she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
