She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
