Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
