I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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