is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
