Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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