Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
