Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Randomize
