my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Randomize