I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
