Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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