Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
