The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
