But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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