Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
