I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Two words: nipple clamps
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