By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
