How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
