he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
All the doctor said was why
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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