at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
