hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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