plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
