And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
