my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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