So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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