Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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