I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize