Cold hands, warm shart.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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