Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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