He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
