So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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