dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
