then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
