I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
