Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
