I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
