After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
