the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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