No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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