I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
