Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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