He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
