1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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