Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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