I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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