when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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