Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
