thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
