Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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