She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
