your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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