Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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