sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
