I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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