We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
