It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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