Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm just crazy horny about you
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize