worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
