Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she woke up with a sticky ear
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
