i barfeds in our rink
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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